My Tightrope

Please Fasten Your Seatbelts. Life Turbulence Ahead.

2005-06-16T18:55:00.000+08:00

Wow...this is the longest yet that I've not written. I re-read my last post and than reflected to this point that I'm writing, things have yet again taken a surprising turn. I sure don't know where I'm going but boy...I'm glad, excited, scared and puzzled all at the same time. I'll explain myself soon enough *grin*.

My last post was on a lunch that would determine whether or not the project that I currently manage is to go bust or to carry on. It carried on all right. The next month or so had me sleeping in fits, working round the clock, alternating between verbally flogging (if anyone has seen Band of Brothers, remember to when Easy Company cowered in ditches at both sides of the road to Carentan under heavy machine gun fire and their CO kicked and pulled at them to get their a**es moving) and motivating my team members, negotiating hard with the clients and managing my bosses all at one go.

It seemed to me, three sets of eyes were on me, my bosses, the clients and my staff. I joked with a colleague of mine that I have to manage too many people's expectations. My boss, my clients, my staff and my wife. All four points of the compass! Ha!

Those were long hard weeks and God carried me through them. I don't know how I would have survived without His wisdom, strength and peace. Some may scoff at this but I too many things have happened in my life that cannot be attributed to sheer chance or talent. Heck, till today I don't think I'm talented at all and what little talent I have is laughable. *grin*.

All throughout those weeks, I had to be conscious how I was to lead my team and how to be Christlike at the same time. It's a hit and miss affair I tell you. That is my constant struggle, to integrate my faith into my work. As Pastor Thomas would say, to live an authentic spiritual life is to recognize that we don't separate our personalities into work and church. Otherwise we'll need to reach for that bottle of Valium to stave off impending schizophrenia.

But I'll leave that discussion to another day. Suffice to say that I was sometimes successful and sometimes I crashed and burned. It was a surprise to me then, to see how well the team started to gel. I didn't believe in myself enough to pull it through but someone does. Personal conflicts and differing opinions will remain, but the crucial thing is that they work together. Plus the client got what they wanted and are pretty pleased and no longer cursing me in my face in Thai and smiling while they do that. The one disadvantage of working in Thailand is that you go into a meeting and if they are not happy with you, they'll pretty much curse and swear at you in Thai, giving you sinister furtive smiles and side long glances and then sweeten up as they switch back to English.

And then a funny thing happened. I received a call requesting me to attend an interview and after 3 rounds, I nailed the job without really wanting to or needing to but knowing that I just wanted to cut down on my traveling. I kinda prayed for God to deliver me out of this hell-hole project and and He did plus 1.

Ahhh….this funny thing doesn’t end here though. Now my immediate boss is negotiating to keep me (please forgive me if I sound like I’m bragging….I’m not ok!) and I’m having all sorts of guilt bouncing inside of me now. Sigh….I can’t seem to leave and I can’t seem to say no. I’ll need to think it over this weekend but I’ve pretty much made up my mind to leave. Just need the space from this veteran’s argument to form another argument. The crappy side of it is that I like working with this guy. It’s just that this new job is a good opportunity.

And funny thing number 2 happened. Wifey decided to go and get all pregnant like (she's gonna kill me when she reads this). So, yeah...I'm gonna be a daddy. I'm happy, scared sh**less and at loss for words. So a new job, a kid on the way...."The only thing constant in life is change itself" may as well be in the bible as God not so much mentions it but hints at it throughout the testaments.

So wifey and me are looking at a whole new ball game here and our knees are knocking, excited and worried about that little bump in her womb (it was a shaped like a round nut on the ultrascan) that's gonna be a boy or girl, will come to term safely. I can’t wait until the next scan!

Basically, the future is looming upon us and a long dark road stretches ahead that we can't quite see far enough in front. If you ask me, I need to let go and leave it in God's hands cos I'm having a mild heart attack just thinking about the impending logistics to come and the costs associated with it (shoot me. I'm a project manager and that's what we do. We're compulsive hypochondriacs).

I guess this scene plays itself out millions of time that to a lot of other people, it doesn’t look like a big deal. It’s just gonna be another suburban family in the making whose kids will be the apple of mum and dad, but the devil incarnate to everyone else at McDs. So what? I feel like we’re going in for the ride of our lives, with nothing but the love of God, family and friends to hold onto. That’s pretty big a deal to us…

Lunch at the Top of the World

2005-04-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

This week has turned into a pressure cooker and yet it's only mid-week. But I don't think I'll talk about work this time around but here's something for those of you who have been in similar situations. Two days ago, the big guns of my company and the big guns for this client met up to have lunch. I had to tag along.

The thing is, this client's site had a floor dedicated to their executives's lunches and entertaining what nots. Stretch your imagination a bit further and you can come up with some interesting visions of what happens on this floor. But I digress. You see, the lunch room where we were at was one of those small private intimate affairs, all the better to merge and acquire you my dear. There was a table set for 10 with all the trimmings befitting the stature of the .....ummm....eaters?!, a lounge area near to it where you can have pre-meal drinks and post-meal cigars and whiskey, and a private exit onto a large balcony area, which can accomadate a cocktail party for about 30 souls, that overlooks the entire city of Bangkok this side of the river.

The view was, for want of a better word, stunning. You could see entire length and breadth of greater Bangkok with the Chao Phraya river twisiting and bending the boundaries of a city physically divided in two and yet joined by impressive bridgeworks. It's rarefied air I tell you. Of course we sat down for lunch at the table.

The weight of executive powers at the table was deafening in that no one talked while the food was served and the first crack at splitting the iceberg was a comment about someone's weight loss. I won't go into details of what was discussed save that gorgeous food was served but blimey! How do you enjoy lunch in the midst of "diplomatic" business talk? I felt distinctly under-dressed even in my best shirt and best trousers *grin*. These guys pluck out suits from the premier line at....ummmm....Harrods...no wait..it's that expensive enough? Yeah it is. The heavy presence arounnd the table's liable to constipate you. But hey! Free food is free food.

So that was a perfect way to start a week. Now I'm on Wednesday and going home tomorrow cos my laptop crashed because Microsoft's new updates nuked it. When it rains it pours.

Do You See Me?

2005-04-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

Heh.....I'm up to my old tricks again. It's Saturday evening and I'm still in the office. Big surprise.

It's been more than a month since the last update. Big surprise there too *grin*.

Anyways, was just reading this at Newsweek. It's the weekly coverage of the Apprentice Season 3 but I won't spoil it for you. For those of who who have not heard of the Apprentice, much less seen it, it's touted as a "15 week job interview". To grossly simplify it, The Apprentice is about a bunch of people tossed together to work as a team yet compete against each other in completing numerous tasks and ingratiate themselves to one Mr. Donald Trump in the hopes that he might hire one very lucky candidate to work for him. It's a dubious honor if you ask me.

So it's an intense 15 weeks of back biting, blame shifting, gross incompetence and other bits that is disturbing in its pleasurable voyeurism.

It's an hour each week about people doing what is necessary, by any and all means, to succeed. It is haunting in its depiction of the human condition about what the obsessive need to succeed that drives us when we're stacked against each other with a lucrative carrot dangling right in front of our noses. To me, what is on The Apprentice is what happens in a typical working day, magnified by several factors. Due to its causatic setup, things happen at break neck speed than say a normal week in the office. The back biting in the series is brought to the fore front by necessity of enticing voyeurs, like me, to stay tuned. In a regular office setting, that same back biting is far more insidious and bubbles just below the surface of an office work life.

What caught my attention was something the author of this piece tagged to the end of his article about the particpants's driving need to succeed, "They are so obsessed with success that they're destroying their ability to be successful".

Now, let's transpose that particular line and put it in a church context. What is the measure of a succesful church growth? For the better part of my life, I took it to mean bigger is better thus equals success. Mega-churches, the drive to recruit converts so that the declaration of saved souls becomes the defining KPI, a bigger and better worship team, the convinced need to acquire the bells and whistles of a professional audio visual studio to enhance the perceived worship experience and the continued measurement of tithing of healthy church giving.

It is impressive isn't it? A church numbering in the thousands, that come Sunday worship, when the teeming throng sing out a mighty song, that the ground shakes and the heavens exclaim! Okay, so I'm being melodramatic here. I'm in a cynical mood. Shoot me....*grin*

In the last few months, I've read experiences of numerous Christian bloggers seeking refuge from these successful churches, those that were turned away because of the callousness of Christians and I've listened to stories of questioning people that might have found Christ except for the immeasureable hurt of judgement that Christians like me dough out without thinking. I accept that these are broad generalizations but I think it will work for this purpose. I'm too tired right now to delve into specifics.

Now we hear of more mega-church project and it seems that churches are tripping over themselves to top one another. Millions are poured into these projects. I'm wondering if we as Christians are tricking ourselves into believing that we can be a blessing and win people over to Christ by becoming fixated on monuments, power rallies and the irresistable pull of membership in the thousands?

Right now, my heart is aching and heavy. I'm cut off from the fellowship of brothers and sisters in my church and I feel as if I'm cut off from God but intellectually I know that I'm not. Most of all though, I miss my wife. The extended absences, the pressures at work of cleaning up a mismanaged project and the isolation is taking a toll on me. I read that line again from the article above and I read DB's preamble on his website by Soren Kierkegaard. I'm in a position that I thought I would never find myself guilty off. My work has overrun my priorities to my wife and God.

I'm wondering how is it for people with burdens similar to mine, who find their way into our large magnificent churches, seeking comfort yet cry silently in one corner, the masses, oblivious to this individual, singing jubilant songs of praise to a God who looks for that silent crier?

Chinese New Year Thoughts

2005-02-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

Let’s see now. It’s the first day of Chinese New Year and there’s about 10 minutes of it left . Had a full day, all things considered. Spent most of it with family and friends, and as I’m banging this out at home, Al is right beside me typing out something on his blog, which I’m gonna read the moment he posts it and my wife and a couple of mutual girlfriends are knuckling down to some CNY gambling. Low pot and ante of course.

It’s been a CNY of firsts for me and my wife. We’re making the journey up to Penang tomorrow, the second day of the New Year’s. This is breaking with our tradition of making it back to Penang for the traditional eve’s dinner. Today’s also the first CNY that we’re having with friends and family at our apartment and my wife and me visited a close friend today during his family’s annual open house. Met one of my ex-boss there of all people *grin*.

As it is the holidays I’ve been trying to make an effort to stay away from cyberspace and spend more time in real space. It is starting to disturb me slightly that I find that I get drawn to the Internet during times of idleness. Speaks volumes of my need of getting a dose of feeling connected yet finding myself not really connected with real people.

So this week has been, and I hope will continue to be, a week of re-establishing that human presence-to-presence contact. It is a good feeling to be among close friends, family and the wife. I’ve even managed to re-establish contact with friends whom I’ve not heard from in 12 years and met an ex-boss who gave me a leg-up in the working world, less as a boss but more as a friend now.

The people we meet in one phase of life transits to another group in another phase. Our relationships are so transient in nature that sometimes I wonder, in the midst of conversations with friends, where will I stand with them in five years. I remember with regret and sadness of the numbers of friends I’ve lost touch with, likely until this life is over. Yet on the flip side the pleasure in re-establishing contact with those we’ve not met in years. If this is possible within the framework of our fragile and imperfect relationship, I cannot help but be excited at times when I look forward to the promise of rediscovering those people which have passed on in our Father’s house.

I guess I won’t be writing for awhile here in cyberspace, at least until the end of this week. Looking forward to meet my in-laws and Penang. Even if, for the most part, I can’t understand them because I don’t converse in Hokkien and Mandarin.

A blessed Chinese New Year to all and may God continue to watch over each and everyone of us this festive season.

Oranges and Apples

2005-02-04T13:59:00.000+08:00

Today would maybe be the last day I’ll be onsite with my current team. Don’t really know when I’ll be coming back to this project site. What do I feel? Right now, just the dull ache of fatigue creeping around my consciousness. Maybe when I have rested enough then I’ll be able to appreciate just what I left behind.

I’m guessing it’s gonna be bitter sweet with a dash of relieve thrown in for good measure. Somehow though, I have this strange feeling that I’ll still be coming back to the project, just not on a regular basis. So it is then, into the Chinese New Year week.

I’m looking forward to the break and to spend more time with my wife, catch up on friends and visit my in-law’s entire clan and gorge myself on beautiful Penang food. It is what’s after the break that I dread. Another round of clashing and crisis management in a problematic project and that, you can tell, I am not looking forward to at all.

But gloom aside; I’m jumping for joy that I’ll be on the plane back to KLIA tonight! To bad you can’t see me click my heels. I used to annoy my future wife to no end when I used to that in college. It’s a so Fred Astaire moment when snow is falling all around you and the ground is a lush white field of soft powder that it makes you want to just jump and click your heels. Just beware of the black-ice on landing as you could end up being a masochistic contortionist instead.

So right now, I’m past caring about the users and their lackadaisical attitudes. They can hang themselves right now for all I care (metaphorically speaking of course…I have nothing against them as people and would never wish to see harm come to them :-D. It’s the devil in their work attitudes). I’m going home. Back home. Home sweet home.

The dratty part is I have a project status meeting tomorrow morning. My boss says it’ll take about 2 hours at most so I’m hoping for the best. Sigh…But at least I’m home. Yay!

P.S. I just fell in love all over again with the PowerBook G4. It’s a dang sight cheaper than a Win OS laptop and comes pack with some pretty good bells and whistles. The few times I had the pleasure of using it, it handled like a dream. Plus I can do everything on the PowerBook that I do now on my current laptop, with the help of some nifty emulation software and other Office for Mac tools of course. I fully blame Messy Christia n for this boyaintthatcooligottahaveit moment.

However, seeing that I still have a fully functioning laptop (on company’s tabs of course) I don’t see any reason to get this yet so….Down boy…down….

Hmmmm….my trusty phone’s dying on me. Lessee what the catalog stork brought in…I can just hear dear cracking her knuckles right now…

I See Pointy Haired People....

2005-02-02T17:41:00.000+08:00

Right now I’m stressed out. Tangentially stressed out. Clients are running amok. Fingers pointing here and there so fast that I wish I had a pair of shears so I can prune those bony twigs. Job professionalism is something of a rarity in these regions. In fact, I can’t remember any corporate outfit that I’ve had the pleasure to work under and with who can wear the proud professional tag. Oh wait, yeah now I remember. Multinationals whose HQs are not located in Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia or the Philippines.

Most organizations I’ve worked under, and with whose HQs reside in these countries, have an appalling lack of basic professionalism and work-place discipline. Then they hire over-priced consultants who know next to nothing about their workplace operations to give them advice that anyone with a smattering knowledge of Management and Business 101 can dish FOC.

Too much is done in shocking shoddy fashion, without proper planning (even if planning is done, it is mere window dressing and the plans make excellent scratch paper), too much is based on trust (trust is an iffy thing and it extends so long as the person’s memory is sufficient and that they are not buffeted by unknown pressures) and less on documentation, and not enough emphasis on operational cost. Politics is a favorite; that in-grained Asian habit of business through close connections and who you know. Merit, quite often, is a side note.

Heck, I’ve almost been party to very shady dealings and murky corporate maneuverings that could amount to corruption, not to mention actually witnessing it right before my very eyes. The moolah involved were nothing to sneeze at too. I’m glad I still find that it all galls me and I pray that the day will never come when I find myself jaded and just go along for the ride.

It is ironic that Asians have a cast iron reputation for penny pinching in business deals but are dismal in keeping operating costs or running costs down in a humane way and though proper and careful execution. Actually, I think this is universal.

Speaking of which, why is it that whenever a Caucasian (no offense meant to anyone here) talks, clients sit-up and take notice but us Asians, who can do the job just as well any others and can articulate things on a level that someone from outside Asia can only guess at due to cultural peculiarities, find it so hard to convince clients of taking us seriously? We’ve got to get our heads examined.

I still can’t, for the life of me, understand why is it that people can treat others and their charges in a way that is condescending and demeaning (that’s a rhetorical statement). Again, it might be our in-grained responses as Asians that authority is to be respected without question. A master-slave relationship if you’d like.

Thus, when we attain positions of responsibility, we take it as our right to boss people around as we like. I find working closely, with open channels of two-way communications, with my team members a more palatable option. It makes it easier for me to make ugly decisions and to reprimand too. Not that easier means that it’s a piece of cake.

I’m no management guru and God-forbid that I’d turn into one. I can agree with most management books, some of them are gems in their own right, but I think the best way to manage people under you is to remember how it was when you were in their shoes. Fair, equal and honest treatment for everybody. It ain’t full proof, I know, and it requires a heck of a lot of personal investment in your charges but once you see your team working like a well-oiled machine, it’d put a tear in your eye.

Maybe a change in career is in the air? Trouble is, I like my job more than I hate the ugly bits that come with it. Sigh…in this, I’ll leave it to God to guide my steps. The most rewarding bit about this job is not really the management’s effusive approval of a job well-done (although I wouldn’t mine that *grin*), nor the client’s praise for a well-run project and hitting the milestones as scheduled. It is seeing your charges gel well with each other, learning from each other and maturing under you as the project moves along.

Corny eh? Well, so it is but that’s what’s most rewarding for me.

The Thin Fine Line

2005-02-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

Here’s my shot across the bow of some overzealous people in my church who use the church forum as a bashing forum *grin*. The issue concerns gay clergy in the Lutheran Church in America and the knee-jerk reactions it evoked in the forum. No names here but I felt that the post to which I’m responding/reacting to is needed to give perspective and focus on the nature of my post.

Be warned though, this is one long posting. The initial was the reaction to the announcement about the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) position on maintaining the ban on non-celibate gay clergy while urging caution in disciplining congregations and clergy who ignored the ban.

Initial reaction from a forum member to the above issue:

What is the point of having the laws but will not enforce it ? Might as well condone it !!!!

We are a joke to the world. No wonder more Christians are accepting Islam, at least they are following their Quran and their laws.

Alwyn’s response:

I think we need some perspective on this. I mean, let's not get carried away. What's the difference between a gay clergy and a lustful non-clergy? Or a lay person who can't control his/her anger, is judgmental, doesn't let his 'Yes' be a 'Yes' and so on.

Who's to say that the sin of homosexuality is *so much worse* than the sin of greed or a bad temper? Look into Scripture and you'll realize that although homosexuals won't inherit the kingdom of God, those who call their brother 'Fool' are also in danger of the fires of hell.

Whilst I can understand the 'sensationalism' of news like the below, I cannot absolutely say that it's THAT morally different from what the average Christian experiences.

Redemption is a need for everyone, not only those who are homosexuals. This ought to keep our responses sober and full of love, not condemnation.

My Response:

In this, I second Alwyn's position on keeping a hold on our emotions, our instinctive urge to condemn and that our responses be one of love. There is great danger here in submitting to knee-jerk reactions to news such as this.

Calling ourselves a joke to the world is doing a great disservice to Christians who are committed to delivering the light of Christ to the world in a way that is not repulsive to non-Christians. See, even the term we use for others who have not accepted Christ is repulsive to anyone looking in. The saved and the un-saved, the Christians and the non-Christians.

What, these are cattle to be numbered and tagged so that they can be counted amongst the saved and then move on to the next?

In fact, I don't think the gay clergy issue is turning off more Christians to Islam and turning off those who have yet to accept Christ. It is more our conduct by our un-Christian love as Christians that drives them off. There is a growing action within the Islamic curtain that Christ's message is gaining ground, even in the most persecuted of environments.

I think we have to look at ourselves too and ask how, by our conduct, that we drive those seeking or those yet to be reached away. Although the gay clergy issue is troubling, it is our reaction to this issue which is even more troubling. How are our responses going to be like? Condemnation? Righteous indignation? I think it was CS Lewis who once said something like, "A self-righteous person does not think of himself as self-righteous"

How would our reaction be like if one of our very own leaders confesses that he or she is gay? Proclaim judgment and ex-communicate them and drive them out of the church? Or how would we treat gay visitors amongst us? Beat them on their head that it is wrong to be gay and offer to pray condescendingly for them and for their deliverance?

Is there a severity level for sin? That homosexuality is a more serious sin without the possibility of forgiveness than say, adultery, deceit and apathy? We get our underwears in a twist when we hear the words gay and homosexuality and forget that sin is sin.

I think Alwyn is right here. Let us be sober and let love guide us. Jesus said, "Let he who is without blame, cast the first stone." After all, Christ came for sinners, clergy or no clergy.

The repartee (verbatim):

On the surface of this argument, it definitely sounded logical. In fact it sounded as a very good argument. Judge and you'll be judged. Luke 7:37-42. The speck in your brother's eye and the log in your own eye.

But please do not be confused nor be cheated by this argument. One must read the entire passage to fully comprehend the word of GOD. It is important that bible verses must not be used for certain motives.

Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the Lord! --Psalm 119:1

In the book of John - John 8:1-11 ; Jesus the Light of The World.

Pharisees brought to Jesus a women caught in adultery and asked Jesus what Jesus has to say.

Jesus said to them : He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.

Jesus said to the women : Women, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you? Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.

Jesus said , go and sin no more.

Book of Ezekiel : 3 :1 - 4 : The messenger of God must fill his heart and mind with the truths of Scripture. Only as he is faithful in applying the Word of God to his own life can he honestly give its nourishing encouragement and exhortation to others.

The Lord told the prophet Ezekiel to eat a scroll that contained a message full of "lamentations and mourning and woe" (Ezekiel 2:10). Because he was submissive to the Lord and applied the lesson to his own heart first, he could boldly present the life-giving message to all who would listen.

As believers, we too must develop a "social stomach" by digesting the truths of the Bible and allowing the Spirit of God to make them a part of our lives. Then, filled with God's Word, we can speak effectively to others who are in need of spiritual food. --Mart De Haan

Remember, at the temple, Jesus threw everything out, he did not shower them with Love. Mark 11:15-19. What did he actually do ? He overturned the tables of those who sold pigeons, and he would not let anyone carry anything through the temple courtyards. He said "It is written in the Scriptures that God said, " My temple will be called a house of prayer for the people of all the nations.' But you have turned it into a hideout for thieves!"

One thing must be made clear, IT IS MOST IMPORTANT THAT WE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE between Judging a person and knowing what is right and wrong.

Accepting a person or persons who is gay is most important, similarly accepting people with AIDS or HIV or other people with diseases. Only by doing so, can one begins the process of forgiveness.

HOWEVER, it is certainly wrong to have accepted Christ and continue to do wrong, that my friend is wrong. Jesus definitely says, GO and SIN NO MORE.

Jesus did not say, go and carry on with your life.

What I am saying here is this :

Being a sinner is one thing

Being a sinner, accepted Christ and change for Christ is another.

But being a sinner, accepted Christ and still sin is really something else.

Worst, being a sinner, accepted Christ, and still sin and propagate that it is ok to sin under Christ name is certainly not GOD's way of sending out his message.

Is it ok to be a homosexual ? Because he is born that way ?

But that does not mean he has to practice it knowing that it is against the teaching of GOD. To make matter worst, professing it in the name of GOD and annouce to the world that GOD permits such practices. (note : by not acting on it, or be silent to the issue can only communicate one message : that the Christain communities condone such practices).

I'll accept it if he is born that way and I'll certainly persuade him not to practice it, because it is wrong. Keep it to himself and serve GOD, not the devil and he will not be far from the Kingdom of GOD and gets everlasting life with Christ.

By the way, how can one serve Christ with passions and emotions ? I certainly cannot. What am I if I have no passion and emotion for my GOD ?

JESUS came for sinners and to turn them away from sins.

Accept Christ and turn away from sins, certainly NOT accept Christ and keep sinning or tell the world in Christ name that we have accepted this sin as part of human error and not condone it as sin.

Whatd o you think ?

For Christ, I will not and do not apologized for this log in my eye, so sorry brother, there's a speck in your eye, and I admit, my speck is definitely bigger.

Being a homosexual is not wrong if one is born with it and not do it because the fear & love for GOD, but to know God's law and not fear it and practice it is certainly wrong. To make matter worst, ordained by the congregation and spread the word of GOD as a practising homosexual, is certainly, totally unacceptable.

How can a bad tree bears good fruits?

Now my cheesed-off shot across the bow. Ha!:

I am saddened and very disturbed by the vehemence of the response, the tone and the arrogance of our recent postings to this newsgroup. I wonder if it is that we never sin again when we accept Christ. I accept Christ and when I sin, does that mean I am fit to be condemned by my own family? Maybe we should institute stoning again such as was what the Pharisees and the Sadducees were about to do to that woman.

So I'm still a sinner and I know I have accepted Christ. By the definition espoused in the previous post, I’m wrong and am a sub-standard Christian, one of those by the way-side. If that be the thinking, then so be it. I don't want to be party to such callous fundamentalism.

As for me, I'm a follower of Christ. I still sin and am working through prayer to be rid of it and I depend on Christ for His guidance and grace. I will seek to follow His commandments to go and not sin anymore and to love others in need of it. Yet constantly I fail, I do not despair because Christ's love is perfect and He picks me up from my sins again. I will never give up. Therefore I will not cast that stone to condemn because I am without sin. If I delude myself that I'm totally free of it, than that's my human arrogance speaking.

Yes, I agree that we must know the difference between judging and knowing what is right and wrong. But I ask you, how is it that we understand the difference much less right from wrong? Am I so certain that I know that? The Israelite priests were so sure of their smug convictions that they did not glimpse through their own veil of self that they perverted the very message of God.

And what in the name does equating having AIDS and being gay all about? AIDS is a sin? And are we so entrenched in our self-centeredness that we initiate forgiveness? God initiates forgiveness. It is there for the taking. So please choose examples carefully to illustrate this.

I have never condoned the acceptance of the sin of homosexuality and sin as a whole and neither do I condone the acceptance of a gay clergy. What I don't condone is our adverse reaction to it. And I for one do not even think it’s possible to be born a homosexual from the get go. Recent studies have started to emerge that it is a conditional thing. Much like how all sins are. Then what now that we have an inkling that homosexuality is an unconscious choice? We drive them out from our presence? Should I drive those who bear the sin of deceit from my presence? Who am I to make judgments about a person's salvation and why does a person have to hide sin? Isn't that denial of your very own sinful nature and the very thing that needs to be brought out so we come face to face with our sins? Is accepting Christ a magic bullet that will turn a person's life 180 degrees around overnight and the immediate shedding of a way of life led after so long?

If I bring in a self-professing and active homosexual to Church who is willing to come to church, what would our reactions be I wonder? I've heard of churches closing their doors to these people. These are churches I will steer clear off. Don't even talk about gay clergies; our reaction to gays amongst us is already ridiculous.

I ask this honestly of all Christians, when Christ said go and sin no more, who can say with absolute certainty that they do not anymore. Here I am. I am sinless, blameless. I think the moment you utter those words, you delude yourself and have committed the more grievous sin of pride.

I am going to take this one step further and say that homosexuality is a sin. No more, no less and it is against created order. I have no arguments for not agreeing to gay pastors. I do, however, have a big problem with those that remove love out of the equation when we tackle how to resolve issues such as this and in reaching out to people in need of such love. I want no part of any self-righteous movement who see themselves as the moral protectors of the body of Christ who seek more to exclude and condemn rather then to work among those who despise us Christians for this very human failing. That is not what Christianity is to me. People accuse me of seeing too much grey. I say that I'm much less hasty to reach a right or wrong conclusion. If I did, I would have long ago rid myself of Christianity.

I will speak of this issue no further and will respond no further to this thread as I can see where this is leading to. My only hope is that we look to ourselves first before heaping our own human understanding of right and wrong.

How does a bad tree bear good fruits? Easy. God's grace renews said tree and good fruits are borne. Should a tree be free from imperfections to bear good fruits? I'll leave that without an answer.

*End*

You can tell that I was piping there but I cooled off ok. There were other posts to this issue but this remains the last major one that I made in a sort of stand and deliver kind of thing. Who says that church discussions are boring? :-D

Will the Real Slim Slacker Please Stand-up!

2005-01-31T21:04:00.000+08:00

It’s almost towards the end of the 1st month of the year 2005 and this is my first post. I’ve not made a post in quite awhile. A looooong quite-awhile. Problem is, I’ve had a number of blog posts started but were never carried to completion due to work and more work. Yeah, yeah….I’ve also been kinda lazy. I’ve never been hard-bitten by the blogging bug but I do like to write (not as passionate as say Stephen King though, he of the lineage of verbosity). It is something I enjoy but it is not a craving that I need to satiate constantly.

Been kinda numb to write is another reason. Just look at break-neck speed our world is moving at. I mean, the Boxing Day natural disaster sure takes the prize for numbness inducing moments.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should continue blogging seeing that my record at updating it has been dismal and my work has been close to all consuming.

The real crappy part about the nature of my work is that I can’t really write about it here cos:

1) It’s pretty sensitive and kinda unique so…

2) I manage people and clients and my frustrations and hair-pulling concern them.

About the one thing I can do is to write very, very vague descriptions about it. But still nothing beats a rant *smile*. Anyways, I’ve not had much energy going into the Christmas break and going into the new year. I’ve just been saddled with an intense migraine inducing project in the city where “You’ll find a god in every golden cloister”…I’m guessing only those who listen to late disco and 80’s era music will guess where this is *grin*.

So I’ve gotten to a stage where after a hard week’s work, with the prospect of weekend work always possible, I’d just like to kick back with a beer and watch TV as my brain unravels. Beer is cheap in Indonesia and the new place I’m at. Plus, I’ve started to develop a taste for it but I still can’t hold my alcohol as a respectable Kadazan should. Ha!

Still, I do think I’ll carry on blogging and even though my frequency will vary wildly, from back-to-back posts to a silent-running period.

I Maketh Sense...I So Not Maketh Sense..

2004-12-11T01:32:00.000+08:00

Hmmmm....lessee...it's way past midnight now and I'm still awake.

It's good to be back in Malaysia after a three week absence. Although I'm going to sit in another plane going back to Jakarta this coming Monday, I don't mind it at all. There's been a change in my travel schedules which means I'll be back in Malaysia again next week Friday. Yippee!

Of course, its travel again the following Tuesday to Bangkok. This time it's, what we call term a troubled project in this industry, a site very much on fire. But I'm relishing the change of environment although it's mixed with trepediation because I'm heading into unexplored territory. God help me...please....

Back to today. It feels good to be in a carol team once again....although I never expected to join one this year due to my schedule. Because of said schedule change, I find myself in one! So, not an hour or so fresh off the plane, I was singing myself hoarse...or not *grin*.

And I did it lugging Nicky Lau, Alwyn's bundle of frowning joy. All 10.9 Kgs of squirming baby joy. That made my daily quota of exercise *grin*.

Note: Ok...here I'm mad...blogger ate my blog...Arrggh...So I'm trying to reconstruct what I wrote and it may sound very much off kilter.

Right now, I'm reading a book on writing, Stephen King On Writing. I'm half way through and already I'm humbled, speechless and flabbergasted. Never have I realized how much I'm party to the murder...no correct that....systematic torture of the rules and style of writing. I think I'm right up there with the prose equivalent of Jack the Ripper....no...he's too precise in his slice and dice...ah....yes.....Jason Vorhees. The prose equivalent murderer par excellence.

Mayhap, I better sign-off here as I'm begining to suspect signs of dementia owing to fatigue...So good night and adieu....I'll go home to my wife.

I think I'd better check up on Santa also if he'll be making a pit-stop at the equator. See if I can't tempt him for a spot of pina colada....

Freeze Santa!

2004-12-08T12:00:00.000+08:00

Since I’m currently in the Christmas mood, I’ll keep plugging away at things all Chrismasy *grin*. Here’s the thing, I’m sitting in an office on the 17th floor of a building in the middle of, proverbially, nowhere, it is the season of Advent and the mat sallehs (Caucasians, white people or whatever term that’s currently appropriate) in the place where I stay in Indonesia are in a right cheery and silly mood even though they’re sweating themselves through and through.

Can you spot what’s wrong with the picture? Hmmm? No?

Let me bring it into focus. Everywhere, Christmas images are ones that bring to mind sub-zero temperatures. The snow flakes falling, the white spread on the ground, reindeers and a fat guy with pink cheeks and too much thick red clothing on and a grin slapped on his face.

Still can’t see what’s wrong with it? Well considering that the equator line is not an hour’s plane ride directly up north and the temperature outside’s a scorching 30 degrees Celsius plus humidity, it just does seem odd. Well I think it’s odd. Santa might do better if he’s stripped down to his boxers lounging by the beach getting tanned and a pina colada in one hand.

But hey…Santa…you wanna roast with your suit be my guest…Tell me again if it’s a good idea when you regain consciousness.

Heh….the season of Christmas in the year 1997 was for the most part pretty memorable. It should be. I was still studying in the beautiful University of Acadia, Wolfville, Nova Scotia, some 100 Km away from the nearest center of decent civilization, Halifax.

Temperatures outside were well below freezing at around -30 degrees Celsius plus wind-chill (of course the previous year was worse….I was snowed in by a blizzard) and I never seemed to have enough warm clothes. The snow had turned to slush, froze over again and became black ice (all the better for you to be an aerial acrobat). My teeth were chattering so hard that I think I suffered concussions and the tips of my nose and my ears were numb. I must have looked like a mad clown sans makeup…

So what’s so cheery about a Winter Wonderland huh? And what’s so cheery about an armpit sweating Christmas?

You’re here in the equator with your brains melting thinking of a White Winter….you’re there making like an Eskimo but failing miserably and thinking of pina coladas….God does have a perverse sense of humor….

Good cheer, Good cheer to all *grin*

Virgin Birth? For Real?

2004-12-07T18:50:00.000+08:00

Last night, for once, we ended our day at the office earlier than usual. This was due to a combination of our clients not being able to provide us with some essential deliverables to continue our work and that we completed our defect fixes of the system.

So, all in all, we were dressed with no where to go work wise. Thus at 6:30pm we packed up and headed back home to our apartment. As we were early, a bunch of us decided to attend the caroling by the Christmas tree organized by the estate management at our residence. I mean, free bear, warm mulled wine and finger foods all on the house. Now how do you say no to that?

So, six of us decided to crash a party that we previously told the organizer that we’d skip. Apparently the caroling and get together was an every year affair. Cheers to the organizers for this one *grin*.

Aside from the handful of Japanese housewives lounging by the pool, we were probably the only Asian faces in the crowd, excluding the resort staff. I have this sneaky feeling that they thought us part of the resort staff owing to our Asian looks. But heck, we joined the singing with gusto and had a good time. After that the team adjourned for some time of chatting and relatively light drinking, seeing that today will be a working day.

Singing those carols reminded me of a lot of Christmases past. Time with friends and family, a time to put aside the worries of your everyday life and be of good cheer and spread good will to one and all and to give or get presents!

Corny isn’t it? The last few years though have been revelationary to me. Since joining the Lutheran Church, I’ve been more exposed to the historicity of the bible and the accompanying context contained therein. I have never thought how the revelation of the impending birth of Christ would have such an impact on Mary, much less Joseph. I have always associated Christmas with good news, good cheer, and the holidays (you can thank advertisements and family tradition for that *grin*).

However when I read Luke closer and with the help of some good friends, I sensed fear and an impending doom closeting Mary. I began to frame a context and understand the consequences of such a birth. Pregnant yet out of wedlock. And Joseph finding out about it. Let me say that if such a thing happened in a marriage or even a relationship where we’re supposed to be pledged to one another, me in my failed human nature, will immediately break faith with my wife or partner because the assumption here is trust. With trust, such a thing should never happen right? In Mary’s case, wrong.

So I’ve wondered, why should God incarnate, be born into such controversy and such conditions as Luke depicts? Even up till today a raging debate exists on whether Jesus was an illegitimate child, is virgin birth possible, or is Jesus’ claim of the messiah incontrovertible? Why couldn’t God just resolve such problems in a way such positions can be easily debunked? Controversy is undermining the legitimacy of the Christ’s teaching and is detrimental to the intention of God redeeming mankind. So, why?

Forgive me. I like to ask rhetorical questions J Its an indulgence I indulge in too often when I’m looking at driving a point *grin*.

The resounding answer to that is of course…faith. Faith that God is asking you to look beyond the controversy and see what He intends by the virgin birth. You could say that God is a revolutionary and seditionist. That He seeks to undermine our rigid concepts and views of the world through a virgin conception and birth of a king in squalid conditions. Ridicule at the best, stoning at the worst and abject suffering of a supposedly kingly birth. When God stacks the deck, He really stacks the deck.

But to tell you the truth, I don’t so much trust myself to accept all that wholesale and if that is so, my reliance on my faith is tenuous at best. I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about when I say that I do believe in the creeds yet I’m still somewhat fearful that what if what I believe is a fraud? I’m one of those Christians who walk a tightrope between faith and the world, hence the title of my blog.

When I teach affirmation class, I have to be certain and theologically sound about what I teach, in a fresh sort of way of course J. Yet here I am, at intermittent battles between my faith and my rational skeptical mind. Sigh….sometimes I, and I think most of us who new to or are in a period where we start to look at our faith closer, have to re-look at our own education, preconceived ideas and understanding and start testing and probing so we can bring the crux of the gospels and our fractured worldview into sync. I can tell you I have been wracked by insecurities over my faith in the process. And so it continues.

So this Christmas season, the impossibility and controversy ridden notion of the virgin birth stands firmly in my mind once more, still challenging my rational mind that still sees the incredulity of it all. To pick a phrase from Lilo and Stich, “Broken….but still good.” Yeah….broken but in God’s eye still good.

The story of the three wise men and their gifts, to me, encapsulates the entire purpose for Christ and Christmas. That Christ’s purpose was to die. Imagine if Christ was Chinese and you bring Him implements for His death! I bet the parents would have gone berserk for cursing their son to die! Choi! Choi!

Of course, all that pondering happened over a beer induced half-sleep last night *hic*. For which I’m glad. God works in mysterious ways no?

Flu's the Bug of Me...

2004-11-12T02:13:00.000+08:00

I'm sick with the flu again....Drat!

This is the second time I'm down with the bug in month. Thankfully it doesn’t seem quite as serious as the last time. Still it’s the blasted runny nose, aching bones and the typical misery that accompanies the flu.

It’s the stress I tell you. I haven’t been getting good nights of sleep lately, worrying constantly about the project. Yet as I prepared to go to sleep last night, I prayed for strength and mentally committed all my problems to God (something which I’ve not been doing so for a long time). I rediscovered release in my surrender to God after all this while. I felt a weight lifted off my chest and I slept soundly than I have ever slept in as many days and my fever broke.

And I felt guilty because all I do is come to Him when I’m in trouble or in this case, sick. Sigh….

So yesterday, I came back from the office earlier than usual (bailed out on my team :D) as I was really under the weather. Took a hot shower which cleared my sinuses promptly, had 2 loaves of bread and plumped my behind on the cushion and proceeded to browse through the channels on cable TV.

You know, the one thing that I will always be amazed at is that while Indonesia has the largest Muslim population in the world, Indonesia itself is not strictly a Muslim country. A reminder of this are some channels on TV which will never happen in a professing Muslim country and even Malaysia. Primary among them is the Trinity Broadcasting Network, the local Family Channel and Fox News Channel (they of the fiercely patriotic American news media). The former two are Christian centric channels with TBN being an out and out evangelistic Christian TV network which spans the globe and every continent.

There is something about TBN that just bothers me though. Programs like Praise-a-thon for online donation pledging and just yesterday a Break Out of Debt worship service by one Pastor Rod Parsley was being advertised to inform viewers of its show time and how you can call in to get free books of how to break the spirit of debt that hold over you from the same pastor(?). I Googled him and read several sites, some of which are pro-Parsley and some which examine him and his theology. Still, I’m not so well informed on Pastor Parsley but his message seems to veer towards the prosperity gospel side of the equation.

I’ve caught several TBN programs but I’ve never finished watching them principally because to me the message seemed repetitive and quite often seems layered by promises of prosperity, good news and feel good should you become a Christian. Although TBN reaches out to billions, I can’t help but feel some despair at the sort of message that causes people to convert to Christ.

Over at the Family Channel was more of the same but with several more Asian preachers like Rev. Kong Hee of City Harvest Church in Singapore and others.
Ironic that such channels are available in the world’s most populous Muslim country when evangelism in Malaysia is restrictively defined. It’s a major offence to evangelize to Muslim’s back home with the consequences being a jail term and the evangelized scrutinized and sent for rehabilitation. Evangelization works in a one way traffic in Malaysia.

Alright, I’m packing up and heading back for a whole week! It’s the airport again…

Can You Spare a Penny?

2004-11-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

I have not blogged in awhile. Many reasons comprise why I haven’t and busy and not having enough time are two of the primaries of which I’m guilty of. Many events have come and gone since my last post on the 1st of October and the state of the world today has not improved. In fact, I think it’s taken a slight detour towards the dark side right now (Darth Vader eat your heart out!).

Let’s see. Since the last post, there’s been more beheadings in Iraq, Bush Jr. has successfully retained his presidency in perhaps the most divisive and, certainly, the most expensive election campaign in America’s history, Arafat is hanging by a thread onto a controversially led life, the battle for Fallujah is on and raging intensely as I type these words out, Japan was buffeted by typhoons and an earthquake, Indonesia has a new president in the country’s first direct presidential election and Afghanistan’s Hamid Karzai is now a popularly elected president. All in the space of just a month.

But here in Indonesia the common people, those that make out maybe 50% of the country’s 200 million living at or below the poverty line (I might be wrong), are strangely ignorant. Mayhap that daily survival is paramount in their minds. Strange isn’t it? The world is turning on its head at the moment and the only thing on the minds of the people that I see everyday on my way to work is basic survival. I see them carting meager goods for trade by hand, scrawny bodies broken and abused by the years of back-breaking work without the hope of neither betterment nor comfort.

Imagine that, eking out an existence without hope. Having neither the skills, education or opportunities that, for the most part, we take for granted. To them, there is no future but the present and for their children, who go around begging for money the equivalent of which is less than RM0.20 in a lot of cases, they face a similar brutal cycle. No footwear, at an age when they should be playing and learning to read and having enough food, they earn their next meal by begging at passing cars. For most, a life of crime seems firmly on the cards and the concept of the sanctity of life or respect for the law is but an abstract notion. How do you develop such concepts when it’s the law of the jungle out there?

Sure we’ve seen abject poverty on TV. We’ve donated to charities and mission workers who work among these people in Africa and other parts of the world. But, in my opinion, there is something unsettling about abject poverty occurring in urban centers. People scraping out an existence, not living mind you but existence, among those who pack the latest in mobile communications every other month.

Just for contrast, I spent the weekend in Jakarta at Plaza Indonesia. My team decided, after spending the morning in the office, to go and try out the cinema in the place. My Indonesian colleagues were saying that it’s a movie experience better than KL or Singapore, or any where for that matter. So we went.

Plaza Indonesia is poles apart from the stark poverty not 10 minutes walk in either direction. If blatant wealth is visible in KL, it is even more so in this place. I recognized name brands that are not even present in Malaysia and Vertu even has store there (they of the USD20K handphone). And the place was full.

So there we were, suddenly feeling like we’re back in KL, albeit a more costlier version of it. We beelined it to the cinema and lo and behold, the place was like the lobby of the Mandarin Hotel in KLCC. Lush carpets decked the floor, high ceiling chandeliers throwing out soft diffused lighting and massive center aisle roundtables to hang around at. Just like majestic ballrooms at some major hotels in KL. We lined up and ponied up Rp50,000 a piece for ticket. That’s RM22 a pop which makes it the most I’ve paid for an individual ticket for a movie in my life. And that was the standard class ticket.

What’s the point of all my tirade? Let’s just say that this is a country of extremes. The poor are very poor and the rich are, well, rich. The civil government structure is a relic of its times and corruption is so pervasive a presence that most Malaysians coming to Jakarta for the first time and staying for a while will find more than a bit shocking. Here is a country ranked 3rd last in a global study for transparency.

Plus, of course, I’m in a right melancholy, introspective and (cutting down on the adjectives here *grin*)….mood.

Sigh….when me and my team leave the office today, to cross the road to grab a cab back to the apartment, I know I will see that family there by the curb. The mother and son of not more than 5 years of age asleep on a plastic mat, a hand drawn cart with all their earthly belongings nearby and their father, exhausted and scrawny, smoking a cigarette trying to keep awake, watching them as they sleep. What his thoughts are I can only imagine. Yet all around us, gleaming buildings, auto dealers, a hospital, a business center.

And Hari Raya is next week when the entire nation celebrates after a long month of fasting. I guess that family would not have much of a fast to break for I can only guess how much they get to eat a day. I pray that the new president will find some way to clothe and feed his people and I thank God that, for all of Malaysia’s faults, we still have a functioning government and missions to minister to the poor. What good is the Gospel among people who find salvation in a bowl of rice each day?

Again, I’m reminded by how blessed I am. That even as I curse my job sometimes, I still can decide to eat whenever I want to, I have a roof over my head and blah…blah…blah….

Enough gloomy, gloomy. My Malaysian team is slated for rotation back to Malaysia for an entire week due to their long Hari Raya weekend! Plus, my wife, me and my in-laws will be zooming to Penang for my grandfather-in-law’s birthday. Looking forward to that and the glorious food….Swatow Lane here I come….Asam Laksa behind that garbage dump *smacking lips*…ohhhh so heavenly. Not so looking forward to are the barrage of inquiries as to the status of our marriage. Status as in husband, wife and…..baby? Ha!

I know, I know. All this seems just a bit incongruent with what I wrote just now ain’t it? I can’t explain it myself and I don’t think I want to. But I know I would like to involve myself with ministry for the poor when I’m in between projects. So let’s see where God guides my heart and I’ll pray about it and keep hoping and praying for those without hope.

Boo! You're old....

2004-10-01T11:21:00.000+08:00

Another year, another birthday rolls on by. Happy birthday to me! My wife woke me up around, what...6:00am? in the morning singing Happy Birthday to me. I was so drunk with sleep I could only manage a feeble grunt and smile, hugged her and went promptly back to sleep.

Strangely, today is dawning like any other day filled with normal work problems and logistics, maginified by the pain of moving in to a new apartment.

Its also a bitter sweet day as I'm releasing half my team while I prepare the other half for the move back to Jakarta to carry on with the project. In alot of ways, my team members and me have become friends although there's only so so much closeness I allow because of the sometimes painful decisions I need to make.

We're all going to slog some bak kut teh as a last full team lunch so that should be fun!

On another note, I just found out that Sivin Kit shares the same birthday as I do!

Hehehhee....its nice having someone turn older together with you but remaining in the lead :-)) Happy birthday to you Sivin and may God continue to guide your steps. DB paid an especially funny birthday wish to him here...:D

Alpha & Omega

2004-09-30T11:02:00.000+08:00

Wow.

As I sit here typing this out, I'm going through a rather broad spectrum of emotions. Worry for the unexpected detours coming up in the project, elation mixed with trepidation as my team nears a key milestone before going back to Jakarta to finish the job, joy and sorrow blendered in together with a touch of migraine as job assignments need to be reshuffled and heaped onto already heavy-ladened colleegues because one staff unexpectedly delivered early this past Monday and one staff losing her grandfather yesterday.

New life and death in the team in the space of three days.

Don't really know what to write aside from a this bewilderment I am faced with. There are company protocols to follow for leave applications and what nots even in the midst of birth and death.

I understand the nescessity of it but it seems rather...cold. I was surprised at myself when a staff of mine had to take MC for two days which irked me because that would mean her task would be stretched out.

Hehehe...I used to switch off my phone and andd wouldn't give two hoots about whether or not my sick leave screwed things up in the office. How could I blame her for falling sick? Sigh... The flu has been buzzing and I myself am recovering from it.

You can tell that I'm still green and I'm still feeling my way around managing a larger team. Its terrifying yet gratifying at the same time I tell ya. I'm still learning the difference between managing and leading. I think it'll be a life long process.

For now, my condolences go out to my staff who would be burying her grandfather today and to joy and happiness to the new mother.

Emergent Rising and Knees Knocking...

2004-09-28T13:25:00.000+08:00

It was great reading about the "Emergent" gathering in BLC last Saturday. I was only sorry that I could not make it as my sinus was working up a mighty storm in my head. I could barely hold a coherent thought much less a coherent conversation among thee intellectual "giants" at the meeting.

So, instead of joining Al to go to BLC, I stayed around until the completion of the Inter-Church games. You don't need to be coherent to throw water balloons at each other. The fellowship was great and we had wacky fun with everyone (although I stayed at the sidelines most of the time on account of my woozy head and wheezing chest). Or maybe that's an excuse I keep repeating to myself...nah!

I read with great interest Al's, Messy Christian's and Confessions of a Hedonese's summary and impressions of the gathering and I felt even more depressed for not being able to participate in the conversations (like anyone would like to hear you speak you hack!)

It was with dismay that I found out that the next gathering would be on the 6th of November during which I will be in Jakarta. Mental note to self "bug anyone who recorded the session"!! I'm hoping someone from the meeting would put up some notes or wav files or recordings on the session so I too might eavesdrop on the conversations :)

Have been reading, or at least trying to keep up with, the conversations involved in the "Emergent" movement at Brian McLaren's site, Sivin Kit's Garden and others. One book I'm currently on is The Church In Emerging Culture: Five Perspectives, general editor Leonard Sweet (will get to the picture once I get this blogger bot to work!). I've been off and on on it but what I've read so far is some pretty solid stuff, especially as it calls into debate how much cultural influence should or should not impact the church. I know that's not much of a review but I'll be sure to blog about my impressions once I'm done with it.

What is exciting me most about the "Emergent" movement is the rethinking about our relationship and (to use an increasingly common word) conversations to God and to everyone. Sounds almost cliched but that is exactly what is needed. A rethinking needs, no pun intended, to be thought out. In this particular loci of time, when theology, good and bad, is becoming more prevalent among the masses, when religiosity is giving way to dogmatic deconstruction and when our elders start to squirm in their seats and wonder about the good ol' days.

Where then is the balance? How do we emerge the church in the greater society while holding on to the non-negotiable commandments lest syncretism creep in? How do we balance the touchy-feel conversations and keep our relationships real and fruit bearing to other people looking in? How does the Emerging Church fit into our tapestry of cultures, filial bonds and moral-tradition codes and how can it be relevant without the frequent bumbling Christian toe-stepping evangelism approach? Lotsa questions and lotsa looking forward tos.

My interest in Emergent began with worship but it has since then led to more doors that would need to be opened. It promises to be one of those journeys that will lead to more and more doors. But you know what? I'm looking forward to it.

There's a Sword a'Hangin over Me Head

2004-09-27T15:53:00.000+08:00

I have been trying to continue my readings and also my blogging but it has been an energy draining last couple of weeks. My travelling suddenly went on the uptrend because of problems with the project, which looks set to doom current the end-date to a new and later one.

Plus, there's all the worries and frustrations involved in getting our new apartment ready for human habitation while at the same time trying to pack up all our accumalated stuff at the current soon-to-be vacant rented apartment.

What I'm most frustrated is that I'm not around nor available for 95% of the time to help my wife with the renovations and arrangements for our new place. As a result we've had quite a few blow-ups. It was nothing serious but it does leave me walking away, to board yet another plane, with a heavy load in my heart. She's been great about it and remains very supportive of my job but I know that there's a Sword of Damocles hanging righ up there with its tip squarely on our marriage. I know that this job will be a major problem for us when we decide to have children.

Being an absent husband and father is something that I cannot comprehend. I've seen too many children and also people who've been adversely affected by the absent parent. I cannot imagine how other couples can go on being separated from each other for months at a time, chidlren seeing only one or the other parent because their return times are different. This takes the latch-key children syndrome to the utter extreme.

Sadly, this is a "thriving" condition in the industry I work in. I've been the giving end and receiving end of advice that your job is not worth the cost to your life and relationships with your spouse, family, friends and, most importantly, God.

Ah...The pursuit of Mammon. It was such a delicious irony that the topic of the pursuit of Mammon was brought in bible study just last week and then again last Sunday in the reading and portions of the sermon. Read 1 Timothy Chapter 6 in its entirety. I can feel hypocrisy dripping down the back of my throat. Divine nudge and wink-wink?

I wonder...

Suddenly I'm looking across at it from the other side of the line, that crudely established line that we Christians all too often draw in our heads to establish a mental boundary to separate us from the "unsaved" and the "unreached". I found myself having to confront my own convictions between job and the established Christian reasons for not pursuing money. Wanna know my impression hearing the same message boomeranging back to me?

Cliched and politically correct, church wise of course, are two that jumped up. Hoighty-toighty (self-righteous) is another one.

Now I find myself conflicted and strangely uncertain when it comes to money. My rationale mind says that my job should not be at the expense what's really important, namely, my wife, family, and service and faith to God (you can tell how my belief system structures my rationale mind :) ). My pragmatic mind tells me that me and my wife need this money that this job provides therefore we must try and find a balance and be more open about the sacrifices that need to be made right now so we understand each other clearly to deal with problems that will crop up.

My on-the-other-side-of-the-line mind flips. How do you know that we don't need the money? Do you think we like the long hours that we put in? Do you think we don't know what it costs us to work for this money? Do you know why we still do it? It's easy for you to say that without seeing what we have to put up with!

My parents came up the hard way. My mother was born into poverty. My father was had it slightly better but still it was no cake walk for him growing up. They had very little money and food growing up and this has stayed with them all through their lives. Imagine living on U.N. sponsored food programs. Even today, that saving habit to squeeze all possible utility from everything is evident if you spend time with them. They can be generous to a fault if it is for other people, but they can be very frugal when it comes to themselves. It's a throwback to a time when people helped each other when possbile and scrounged for oneself at all costs.

They made pretty sure that the value of money was drummed into me. You could say that I too was a latch-key kid, much like most of us Malaysians today. I would only see my parents at the end of the day. I would resent that but yet at the same time I could understand that, even though I would raise pretty hell *grin* They did what they did because of the nightmares that they sometimes still endure growing up and they most certainly wanted a better life for me and my brothers.

Will I turn into a an absent husband and father? Will my children go through the same resentment magnified a few factors for today's conditions? Will I turn my children into extreme cases of latch key kids and lose touch with them so much that I turn into the adult persona I lambast today and not even realize it?

Do I have a conclusion for myself here? No. Am I gonna lose sleep over this? I suspect so as I've been wired like-so because of my parents and my belief systems' warning bells go off. How does this square with the what Paul wrote to Timothy? To tell you the truth, I don't have an answer for that too. Am I frustrated? Yes I am. Is this going to continue? Yes it is. At least for awhile.
But I think the key in 1 Timothy 6 is something else altogther rather than the characteristic harping on the pursuit of money as most would have made it out to be. Contentment...am I contented? No I'm not.

Hahahhahaha....ok...this is weird. I'm laughing to myself on a blog :) Oddly, I don't feel like I have to beat myself up over this. Yes, I'm conflicted and yes I have no answers, no conclusions and no way out right now from my current condition. I'm worried, I feel guilty and I'm anxious over the state of my finances and job. Is this condition going to last? I pray not but I don't know.
But there's always hope no? I hope that with God's grace, I will be able to take that leap of faith to trust in God. That I will be strong to decide for our chidlren and be there for them. That I will come off my pedestal and understand the why of it before I make ready to dump advise on money and time on other people. That I do it with love.

My apologies for being melancholic. Gotta snap outta it :D

Three Years Ago Today

2004-09-11T15:30:00.000+08:00

Where was I on the 11th of September 2001? I was at home watching TV and by a stroke of chance, decided to switch to CNN. There on the screen was Tower 1 (or 2?) on fire and the reporter was trying to report what was going on with pretty much nothing.

It was first reported that an explosion occured, source unknown, then it was a building fire. The last was totally incomprehensible. A plane had rammed into the tower. I thought it was a joke and that a movie crew's pyrotechnics had gotten out of control.

Five minutes later, I really thought it was a movie. An airliner, out of nowhere, lanced into Tower 2. A fireball of steel, glass and jetfuel mushroomed from the side of Tower 2. I think I must have frozed, sitting there, jaw agape.

It was a scene out of Hollywood and Tom Clancy's Debt of Honor. It had to be a movie. But this was no movie and the death toll had already started its ding-ding. Little was I to know that the ding-ding would be even more furious just half an hour later.

I had just witnessed something incomprehensible. Six years ago I stood between the two towers, marvelling at the enormity of such edifices. I subsequently went into its bowels to purchase some broadway tickets and I remember the lobby being magnificiently cavernous. It felt like entering the lair of a great beast.

I remember the skyline of Manhattan Island as I headed to Liberty Island (I still have the photo of that skyline).

That's all gone now, the world has irrevocably changed and plunged into a polarization frenzy. The west against the east. Maybe I'm wrong, but from what I've been reading it does seem that way.

Three years ago today.

Last week was Beslan. Just three days ago, Jakarta. Prior to this was Bali 2002, Jakarta Marriot 2003, Iraq weekly, Israel weekly and unaccountable others.

How is love possible in this well-spring of hatred?

I write this as I listen to the presentation of another project manager on difficulties faced at the user requirements review (the wonders of WiFi and a laptop:) ). It seems schizophrenic at times that it should be business as usual as I contemplate what September 11 and everything has gone after it means to my world-view.

On another note, I'm looking forward to practice at 5:00pm later.

Addendum :) (13/9/2004)
Messy Christian has blogged a beautiful piece that pretty much sums up September 11, 2001.

Users, Alone and Tears

2004-09-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

Ugghh...how to put this diplomatically...users (read those who think CD trays are cupholders) really are an interesting lot....sigh...

Long day and all alone in in a very empty apartment. Stark difference from yesterday's wonderfulness. Grabbed that early flight and slept all the in to Jakarta...sheesh...musta been dog tired from last night.

If you thought KL's jam was horrendous, I think Dante's divine comedy would not be too inappropriate a description for the levels of driving lunacy on Indonesian roads. By the time I arrived at the apartment, I needed a shower and some quiet down time just to re-orientate myself.

After that, it was into the bank for a gruelling update meeting and this will continue for the next two days. Plus, I've received word that my Indonesian staff did not pass Malaysian customs unscathed today on their way back into Malaysia. I hope our HR will resolve this otherwise, I'm looking at more issue juggling...sigh...I hate mondays.

Tomorrow looks uglier and suddenly I feel so alone (I must have said that already *grin*). One thing that is a bright spot this week is that I'll be leading worship. Now I've got to swallow all that I've regurgitated in my previous post on worship. I loved the way Sivin melded the litrugy into the worship service yesterday and this has given me some ideas...hehhehe.

For the next two days though, I'm gonna have to be dependent on God to get me through.

Right now though, I'm a bit weary from the long day. Watching the updates of the Russian school tragedy on TV right now. The children...sigh. I watch dumfounded and an immense weight sits in my heart as I watch the large dug-up fields of graves for children. I see the open caskets. I see the pale once-smiling faces. I see the grieve. And I feel the anger.

Thus it goes around and around. What a Monday...

I pray to God that He comforts the grief-stricken,
The wounded,
The inflamed vengeance-filled soul.
And I weep with them.

Sunday & Jetplane...

2004-09-05T01:20:00.000+08:00

It was a pleasant Sunday today. I’ve already checked Messy Christian’s and DB’s blog and they’ve already written about this Sunday :)

Yep, I’ve met MC and DB and I can truly say that it was with trepidation and the odd bit of excitement mixed together. A group of us from my church visited Bangsar Lutheran Church to experience worship in this little house of God’s .

I hope I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself as I know I became tongue tied during our conversations. I can be a social inept at times, especially when I’m meeting new people.

DB and MC do and do not reflect my perception of them from my reading of their blogs and that’s just it isn’t it? People are different and multi-faceted (as compared to my one-dimensionality? Ha!) and they meet and not meet your expectations.

DB reminded me of my drill sergeant and I half-expected him to, anytime, order me to drop down and give him five. Looking forward to more interesting conversations with DB and hopefully my social ineptness will be a thing of the past. MC was also a delight to talk to and the whole bunch of us, Sivin, Alwyn, MC and myself had quite a conversation brewing there. DB went one up and listed the roll-call of bloggers present. That’s quite a list there.

If I made an ass of myself, I do apologize and hope I will be only half the ass when next we meet *grin*.

I think its unanimous that the congee was superb! I bow to the congee god...

The day passed by too soon for it will be tomorrow and I will be on a plane to Jakarta for an update meeting with my client. Sigh...but hey, it was a beautiful day.

Its late now and I need to catch the early cab to the airport but it has been a blessed Sunday and one of the more memorable ones in recent times. Little blessings and little gifts like this gives me a glimpse of the promise of what God has in store for us. God bless.

Of Merdeka and Chains of Love

2004-09-01T13:38:00.000+08:00

Haven’t blogged in awhile…hehehe...

Been a bit lazy and also there was not much time to spare…then again that could just be an excuse.

Had a great Merdeka Day (that’s our Independence Day) holiday yesterday. It was a double bonus because yesterday was also wife’s and my second wedding anniversary. It was 2 years ago this 31st August that we said our vows and time has a way of speedily catching up to you.

Pretty good indicators of time abound. The growing of that soft cushy layer of blubber around your waist, the appearance of a double chin, (ack!) and the fact that you now have to contend with cholesterol levels….sheesh.

Of course, that wasn’t a problem yesterday. We had our anniversary dinner at this place in Damasara Jaya called Churrasccaria (I may have flubbed the spelling). It is barbequed meat heaven for those who love beef, lamb and anything grilled. Good food, good wine and a good sized hole in the wallet. I heartily recommend it….provided you can pack away your meats’ worth in cost. Yeah, I’m Chinese in that way.

Two years down and ??? to go. Does the prospect of “Till death do us part” scare the pants off anyone? I’ll bet it does. Is it worth it being stuck/married to/mutated into (take your pick of words) one person for the rest of your live? I think it’s worth it but you might want to check back with me in about a decade’s time.

Is it healthy for me to write this down with the certain knowledge that my wife will read it? Probably not. *grin*.

Let me say this again (more to myself than anyone’s benefit), marriage requires effort. It has been 2 years of continual effort and the prospect of x more years is more than daunting. More days than I can remember, we were practically at each other’s throats.

Would I trade it for the bachelor’s life again? Nope. Am I a masochist? Uhhm…..what’s your perspective of a masochist? *grin*

Looking back, (clichéd I know) I can see grace all the along the way right up to this point. Looking ahead, it’s a pretty foggy one though but I’d like to think grace extends beyond this point. I am looking forward to it.

Happy Anniversary to my dear partner. May we weather these passing years with our love firmly entrenched in Christ. I love you dear.

My Worship Vs. God's Worship (Part 2)

2004-08-25T20:30:00.000+08:00

The personal burden that I have with what worship means to me started around a year or two ago. I was unhappy about the state of my own church's worship. I secretly enjoyed worships that I've led primarily because it was worship the way I always wanted it to be. I was in control.

Then again, in the light of my recent re-education on the meaning of worship, I think I was more motivated about pumping people up than focusing them on God, more about personal gratification and self-edification on a job well-done than about God, and more about music and songs, about how good the songs are, than about God.

I confess I was caught up in creating worship for my own enjoyment. Plus, the fact that people do come to congratulate me on a job-well-done…that really put the icing on the cake *grin*.

I was dissatisfied with how worship was conducted in my church. It was incongruent with, sometimes to the point of ignoring, the message delivered. As mentioned in my last post, the congregation was listless. I could not keep my mind on the worship and I must confess; I have a tendency to dose off when I’m not tuned into the message.

The praise and worship part sometimes came across like it was just something done. I craved so much an environment where you were engaged in worship. When I visited City Harvest Church in Singapore, I was overwhelmed by their worship service. I mean I was impressed and emotionally flooded and all that and it was great! I was babbling incoherently after the service about how our church has got it all wrong, the non-commitment of our worship team and the indifference of everyone in general just because they don’t have time and about us being, to quote the pastor in City Harvest, “those of you from cut and dry churches.”

Even then a tiny warning bell sounded in the back of my head. Is that the measuring stick to worship? That when your senses are firing on all cylinders then that’s the Holy Spirit knocking off your Dopamine taps?

Whatever my misconceptions about worship, my journey to understand the meaning of worship started right then and there. Recently I decided to take a long and studied look at what worship means to me and how God intended worship to be.

I stumbled on this wonderful piece on the Soul of Worship by Mark Roberts. I was forced to go back to scriptures to see how God intended worship and here are some bible verse references that I’m lifting from Mark Roberts’ article, Romans 12:1-2, Colossians 3:12-17, Ephesians 5:17-19, Hebrews 4:14-16.

Framed against these verses, I read more into Mark Roberts’ piece, and looked up a couple more sites which offer a refreshing look at worship. In the process, I can tell you without a hint of regret, I find God gently chastising me along the way as my understanding developed.

First off, and I do hold on to this now more than ever, is that music is not the be all and end all of worship! It is an important part of worship to be sure but it should be secondary to worship. Music must be and should be subservient to the heart of worship. Otherwise, all there is might as well be secular music for our own aggrandizement.

What is primary to worship is not even the worship leader. (Surprise, surprise Donald…) This realization stumped me immediately. My demands for an ideal worship service suddenly rang hollow inside me. My pre-conceived notion that the worship leader spoils worship for me was selfish; pure and simple.

The primary to worship is my own heart. Colossians 3:15-17 so clearly spells that out. In corporate worship, the primary to worship is the heart of the people of God. Thus, when we can worship in silence, and we should in every single waking second, than that is to understand that God desires the worship from our hearts.

So coming back to what worship is. Is it just during church that we worship? Is it just during the singing that we worship? If Colossians 3:15-17 were to be understood in its entirety, it makes no provisions of whether it is just in church. It is of daily living.

To not see that our lives outside and inside the church is connected is to compartmentalize ourselves and short-change God of the worship He truly deserves. Mark Roberts goes on to say:

True worship is a response to who God is and what He has done. It’s a response to God’s revelation of Himself in history, in Christian community, in our individual lives, and most of all in Jesus Christ

In the context of church corporate worship, this really upends what we think a worship leader should do. Mark continues:

But if true worship is really a response to God’s initiative, then the worship leader should focus less on getting people to do something or feel something and more on pointing them to God’s revelation of himself in Christ and in Scripture.

Thus according to Mark Roberts, it is less the revving up of the emotional quotient of a pep rally or looking for that elusive formula of a "successful" worship than it is to accept that worship is God initiated. As I write this down, I feel thoroughly ashamed to think that I can make the people of God sing joyously, raucously and wondrously unto Him. I feel ashamed to think that I can initiate the worship of God’s people unto Him. It’s the other way around actually….

Mark’s next insightful sentence really hammered it into me wha I as a worship leader should be doing as opposed to what I think should be done:

Our primary job is not to manufacture an experience for people or get them pumped up, but to point them to the reality and beauty of the living God.

Thus you lead people to worship from their hearts and not from a rock-concert inspired adrenaline rush. Thus worship itself becomes for God, God-centered and not me-centered. How many of us (those leading and those in the congregation) can honestly claim that we have not turned worship into a me-for-all affair?

"I need to feel the Spirit of God moving!"

"The music has to be great! There must be participation in the congreation!" (Like a Mexican wave?)

Sound familiar?

Mark Roberts continues:

In worship we do not so much seek something from God as we seek to give something to him, whether that be praise, adoration, thanks, submission, or our very lives.

Because so many people today think of worship primarily in terms of what they receive in the process.

They have "really worshipped" if they’ve felt certain emotions or received the grace-filled awareness of God’s presence. In an over-used metaphor, they see worship as a spiritual filling station, a place to get filled with the Spirit for the long, dry week ahead.

It is deafening to read these sentences because that is me and my heart aches for my church because I do believe that we have all turned worship into a just such a thing. I say this without rancor.

Stumbling around once more, I dropped into Sivin Kit’s blog and read this entry about CS Lewis's take on theology:

"Everyone has warned me not to tell you what I am going to tell you"
They all say "the ordinary reader does not want Theology; give him plain practical religion." I have rejected their advice. I do not think the
ordinary reader is such a fool. Theology means "the science of God," and I think any man who wants to think about God at all would like to have the clearest and most accurate ideas about Him which are available. You are not children: why should you be treated like children?

"Theology is practical. Everyone reads, everyone hears things discussed. Consequently, if you do not listen to Theology, that will not mean that you have no ideas about God. It will mean that you have a lot of wrong ones - bad, muddled, out-of-date ideas. For a great many of the ideas about God which are trotted out as novelties today, are simply the ones which real Theologians tried centuries ago and rejected. To believe in the popular religion of modern England (or America) is retrogression - like believing the earth is flat.

Mere Christianity, p.135-136.

Here’s the rub, I truly get plain irritated when people in church hammer down their opinions about tradition and spout “that’s the how things have been” without being able to back up their own convictions. I specifically remember Jesus turning the entire Judaic tradition on its head when He came around. There were some choice words uttered too :)

Following a link in Sivin’s blog to one Mr. Brian McLaren’s open letter to songwriters, Mr. McLaren is saying that we’re in the midst of a revolution that could be as significant as the Reformation. He contends that theology, and thus theologians, should move away from the libraries and into the common crowd. I wholeheartedly agree with him and C.S. Lewis.

I’ve always had a bone to pick with people who say that only a few are qualified to interpret the Word. My response to that is hogwash. I remember specifically that we are all called to be priests. Now I’m not saying everyone should rush to the pulpit, but I believe that we should all be open and willing to study and deliberate on what God has in store for us. We should also be open to hear the Word of God from whatever lips it may pass, no matter who the conduit is as long as the conduit’s heart is for God and guided by God. And there should be healthy debate whether that is the Word of God. We should also think about what the Word of God means with regards to what CS Lewis is saying.

Again, I (let me have my out here *grin*) get irritated if people come right out and tell you that they disagree with your position but cannot back it up scripturally, much less dogmatically, but fall back on “but that’s the way its been done all this while!” argument. I can understand how Jesus lost his top at the Pharisees and Sadducees. (I know I’m gonna get in trouble for this…) Don’t even get me started on those that don’t come right up to you but find the need to go through intermediaries to relay their displeasure. Sometimes I ask myself if this is how we should be accountable and to love one another in church.

Now that I’ve stated that, than I also believe that dogmatism is something we should be extremely wary of if it is not scripturally grounded. How do we know if it is scripturally grounded? Why, let’s take a look at what the Bible has to say, grab a pastor or two, sit down and debate it out. But we should always do this with a heart of love and with the goal of discerning what God is telling us.

That’s it right there isn’t it? In all things that we do, we do it with love.

How is it that we can observe the forms of worship so resolutely and enforce it so rigidly yet our hearts are closed off? More and more I can see how we cannot worship when anger, the “me” complex and our strong sense of smugness dominate our hearts. How is love possible in such soil? We smile on the outside yet seethe on the inside. Let me say that I am guilty of this.

Again, Mark Roberts statement is like a clashing gong (how melodramatic *smile*) in my soul:

Far more than “ascribing worth to God,” biblical worship is a complete
devotion of oneself to God. It’s offering more than my praise, however
well-intended. Biblical worship is offering myself completely to God. Whether we actually bow down in worship or not, the core of our worship should be the humble submission of ourselves to God.

When have I offered myself completely to God? I forget.

When have I honestly pointed the people of God to God when I lead? I forget.

When have I loved from my heart to God and to my brothers and sisters? I forget.

Do I know what God truly desires from my worship? I think I’m getting there…. :)

And with the grace of God (and maybe a kick or two along the way), I hope to pull away from a gimme-gimme mentality and the cravings of a dopamine charged, emotional laden worship. Responding to God with my heart seems like the ticket.

Still much to learn and read about worship. For those interested where my reading is pointing to, here's a link to check up on Postmodern/Experiential/Emergent Worship (PEEW) and also Brian McLaren's blog, A New Kind of Christian.

Some of the ideas will seem sacriligious to my church (*grin*) but, it does get you thinking no?

My Worship Vs. God's Worship (Part 1)

2004-08-22T17:39:00.000+08:00

I’m having a brainstorm right now and somehow I’m feeling a strong urge to write about something close to my heart. I’m writing today about what worship means to me. I’m gonna be brutally honest and clear about what I write but at the same time I’m writing about how I feel. So, reader be warned.

For a long time now, I've been trying to reconcile what worship means to me and what it means to God. Most Sundays, I go to church and I feel uninspired by the worship that goes on there. Sometimes the music is great but I can feel an aching emptiness in the midst of all that singing and pounding music. Other times worship is so jarring that rather than focusing on God, I get irritated.

Rather than drawing me closer to God, I tuned out the worship. Songs were sung without much conviction, the worship leaders sometimes look wild-eyed, lost and unprepared and the congregation seemed listless. Actually, “lifeless” would be a better description. It pretty much led to a very phony feeling of Sunday service to me.

Then I go to other churches, some charismatic and others with traditional liturgy. Sometimes I can’t help but compare the church I go to with other churches. They have superb preparation; the entire worship team’s heart is in the worship, great music, great singing and a great responsive congregation.

But yet again, even in some of these worships, I felt an emptiness that could only be described as aching. What was wrong? Is it the music and the songs? Is it the people? Is it the worship leader? Is it me?

In retrospect, I think it was a bit of all of the above.

I've always had this belief, that you need good musicians to have good worship. But my experiences in my church have led me to question this belief. We have excellent musicians but still the worship feels like it needs a heart transplant to get pumping again.

Do I need to feel excited during worship? Do I need to sing during worship? What is it that makes a worship tick and work? If the people of God are praying for the Holy Spirit to come down and to do its work among them, why is it that I don't sense the Holy Spirit? Do I lack the nescessary faith?

I do lead my congregation in worship too and I try so hard to be different from other worship leaders. I had (still have maybe? *grin*) this superior notion that I know better than them and I lead a better worship service. My goal was to recreate my idea of what worship means to me.

And I meant well…:)

But who said it best?

The road to hell is paved with good-intentions

That is, until I came upon a song called the Heart of Worship by Matt Redman.

This song, more or less, prompted me on my journey right now. It’s been an astonishing journey of wonder and humility. Its still continuing and I have an inkling it won’t end any time soon. *smile*

What I discovered didn’t so much as expose what was wrong with my concept of worship as much as it prodded me to look at worship in a new light. Prodded me back to scripture. Prodded me back to the reason for worship.

So what does worship mean to me now? I’ll put that up in my next post *grin*

And Then There Was....

2004-08-18T17:46:00.000+08:00

You know its one of those days when:

a) You feel so dogged tired that your speech starts slurring

And

b) You come home, flick the light switch, clap or intone “Computer, Lights on”…and there’s no cheery digital chirp, no acknowledgment, no LIGHTS!

My wife and I were just about ready to pounce on each other then.

Me: “Didn’t you pay the electricity bills?!”

Wife: “Me? I thought you were supposed to pay the bills!”

Me: “Hmmph!!! This is all your fault!” (Being the typical male and all)

Wife: “Yeah?! Anything else you gotta say before you’re sorry?!”

It’s always wise to retreat when said wife is running her fingers through an immaculate meat cleaver.

Since I’m pounding these words here, I am still in one piece. That is until she reads this….

How did this power cut come to pass? I took this job that required me to travel and since I was always the one to pay the bills, that burden fell to my wife (who I might add accepted it graciously). Of course, I told her what bills to pay except the electricity bill, which I might have forgotten...maybe. And of course I assumed it was paid.

And since we lead such busy lives, we check the mailbox to our rented apartment like 2 months once (all our other essential bills go to another permanent address) and voila! Recipe for disaster.

Thank God for in-laws! We immediately hot-footed the hundred or so meters to her parents’ place, they happen to stay in the same complex, entered sheepishly and announced that we’d be spending the night.

“What happened?” said my mother in-law.

“Power’s cut cos we forgot to pay the electricity bill. And we assumed one (meaning me) or the other (meaning my wife) had already paid!” replied my wife.

“Why is your communication so bad?!” an aghast mother in-law asked.

“In the matters of money to be paid out, if one doesn’t ask, it doesn’t come out of one’s pocket.” proclaimed my wife.

We had ourselves a good laugh then. Its scary innit? Such a mundane task like paying the electricity bill exposes an obvious failing in human communication. Its even more so when it’s a husband and a wife.

Maybe it’s because it’s a husband and wife that we expect our partner to read each other’s collective minds. Assumptions have led me to get an earful every once in awhile. Somehow, we have to make allowances that such things do happen and to try and remember never to assume the other person can read our minds and maybe “I thought you knew me well enough to know that…..” will be a thing of the past.

Fat chance…

Inside the Tempest

2004-08-16T18:57:00.000+08:00

Hmmm…..I’m beginning to feel a tad bit schizophrenic writing to no one in particular, except maybe myself…(which is why it feels schizophrenic in the first place!).

I’ve been feeling a tad bit bored at work the last few days and it doesn’t seem that its improving all that much. One reason is that I’ve delegated much of the work out and my staff are doing their darndest to get the project done up on time. So I’ve got to learn and not get in their way.

And so I find myself in that strange limbo between dread and helplessness. Dread in that I constantly expect things to go wrong in the project whilst hoping to conjure up miracle solutions and helplessness, in that I can’t do much right now to help as I’d just get in their way. Riding them and constantly breathing down their necks is a temptation I’m struggling to keep in check right now! Hmmph...

I had an interesting conversation with a sister from my Young Adult Fellowship meeting last Friday night. It started out innocently enough. We had bible study discussions. However, our conversations, immediately upon ending the study, dovetailed into her continued struggles with her parent’s opposition towards her.

Primarily, towards her status as a Christian. I won’t divulge these conversations here as I don’t think it would be appropriate and I would like to honor her privacy as well. The reason I brought it up is my increased empathy for people like her who are in similar situations.

In a way, I can understand her dilemma because I had similar, yet less strident, opposition to my decision to be a Lutheran from Catholicism. My mother’s immediate reaction was “Why would you do such thing?!” followed by “Aren’t you joining a cult?”

That sparked a two year long running dialogue between my mom and me and the rest of my family, who incidentally are all Catholics, about my “defection” to the Protestants. I guess, in the end, they relented seeing that my younger brother took a slightly more radical step. He joined the Brethrens! Ha!

But this friend of mine faced a more serious problem. Everyone in the family is putting immense guilt pressure on her for her decision to accept Christ. The miraculous thing is that she has sustained herself this past 6 or 7 years in such a hostile environment through fellowship and prayer. In spite of that, she still stays for the sake of honoring her parents. I wouldn't for sure. If there was ever anyone who can be called steadfast, it is her. My hat is off to you.

And we complain about nitpicks and technicalities about our own lives?! We drag our sorry asses to church and fellowship. For people like my dear sister, its a constant struggle and battle to do so and yet still honor her parents. Rock on sister!

Feeling outta control

2004-08-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

Just came back from a 2-day training on essential project management. Its been a really great training although it tended to be very theoratical and academic at times.

What I liked about it though, aside from all those stuff on measurement metrics and planning, is its emphasis on the human side of software projects. It dawned on me, not for the first time, more than anything else, is that software project management deals more with what's inside people's heads than anything tangible (*repeat after me "Knooowledge Caaapital*) .

In other words, all those concepts about genuine empathy for your fellow human beings and genuine concern for their welfare is a must. The trainer re-iterated this during an after training chat (I'm paraphrasing here):

"If your team members feel that you involve them in the project, that they are meaningful to the project (read treat them as real people), instead of just being treated on paper as a resource, then they will work for you as much as themselves and the project is in good hands."

Treating your subordinates as fellow human beings...how simple yet at the same time how elusive that is.

Anyways, coming back to the office and faced with a seeming deluge of issues and probable kinks in the project, I feel a bit flustered and out of control. I'm sure you know that feeling.

It starts as a tight ball of worry that, as the day progresses and the problems start coming in, it diffuses throughout your entire body until a feeling of helplessness and an empty pit in your stomach sets in.

I have to keep telling myself that this will all pass. Have to keep praying and keep hoping. How's that for a case of Deity-reliant project manager? I know my bosses would gasp if they know that one of their PM's is freely admitting to being overwhelmed! Ha!

I really appreciate my staff and I feel very much at odds when, due to circumstances, I have to load them down with tasks on top of their already heavy load. I remember a time when I would curse my boss if he/she does that! *Bad boy!*

Tables do turn when you become the boss of people. I just pray that I will always be mindful of them. So far so good....I hope :)

Where were you on the night of the 7th?

2004-08-07T17:33:00.000+08:00

I escaped the hang man's noose! Geez... An entire day devoted to the grilling of each project. AND on a Saturday I might add!

Lost sleep opportunity, lazy time burned away. BUT...I escaped! I think it also had something to do with the fact that I presented mine succintly, to the point and answered all the bad cop questions diplomatically and professionally.

Or it could be because I was the second last project to be scrutinized, having the second most miniscule budget, and everyone in general about to fall off their seats after a gruelling 7 hour meeting, that let me off the hook :D

Ok...I'm off to grab a bite to eat! What a Saturday....

Israel, Malaysia and me

2004-08-06T20:50:00.000+08:00

I've recently been devouring numerous articles, books and what nots about Israel and the Middle East conflict. From my readings, I've become more or less enamored with a people persecuted for two thousand years, reviled and rejected by people wherever they sought to plant roots.

I never realized how much I’ve come to take as absolute truth about the events leading to Israel’s independence, its post-independence and the numerous wars fought this past century for its very survival.

However, I stumbled onto another site by one Mr. Norman Finkelstein, that sought to debunk several so called truths about Israel. I was genuinely surprised at my reaction towards Mr. Finkelstein.

I was angry and upset at him for criticizing several events in Israel’s history and Zionism itself. Then it struck me.

I was so romanticized by materials that I read that I was quickly willing to dismiss any argument that even smacked of rebuking my conceived concept of what Israel stands for.

No, this is not going to turn into an essay on Middle East *smile*

It unnerved me that my perception of the truth could be so easily colored. And I thought I knew better. For a brief moment there, I thought I glimpsed how radicals are made of.

Just the other day, I read in the newspapers, an article on PM Abdullah Badawi asking Malaysians to respect each others religions. What prompted him to say that was an article about a writer complaining of the loudness of the Muslims call to prayer from a nearby Mosque.

I got into a pretty intense debate with my wife on this. Her view is that if Malaysia is boasting to the world of its multi-cultural and multi-religion co-existence and tolerance, then complains like this should be expected because it would mean one party intruding into another. Everyone should play ball on a level field and all religions should be treated the same by the government. Of course, I counseled tolerance but that got me thinking…

Again that incongruence of the accepted romanticized version of the truth versus the uglier, gritty side of the truth.

It sometimes scares me how easy it is to hate even if we know better…

Sigh...its 8:50pm and still in the office on a Friday night. Tomorrow is a grilling session on my project costs and I've got to justify why it's so high. At least I won't be alone :)

PONC & Choices

2004-07-10T11:13:00.000+08:00

Just got out of a whole day training on Quality Management...it was interesting and certainly useful. One thing that did strike me was the emphasis on cost as a way of making people sit-up and take notice that you are doing things wrooong!.

What was it called again? Ah...the price of non-conformance, or PONC, from Philip Crosby. I wonder...what would be our PONC in our daily life with God? Hey! Sounds like a good topic for bible study....:D

Was just thinking to last Friday when I led my church's Young Adults' bible study (more like sharing cos I had to fill in last minute for the other leader who was sick) on the choices that we make.

In the course of my preparation, I constantly came up against that oft asked question "What is the will of God?". I still remember leading a session on this years ago. Now I'm confronted with it again!

What was interesting was an honest examination of my own choices. I have so many desires, dreams and wants. I mean, there's things I wanna do and I wanna get. I love travelling, I love reading, I love hanging out with my friends, I love music....Then I noticed the pattern. I noticed the "I".

There is something to be said about the choices that we make. What is it that motivates our choices and what priorities govern them? In the study, we distilled it to two very basic words. Pleasure & Greed.

It is ingrained into us by our upbringing, our environment and our peers. Its just disguised different is all.

It was disturbing enough that a brother was obviously uncomfortable with it.

"What is wrong with financial freedom?"
"Is it unChristlike to want to do the things I want"
"Can't I have ambition?"

Questions like that. Fair questions. Hard questions. I don't pretend to have answers to give to the group. As Christians, we are constantly told to obey the will of God. We sing it. We say it. We pray it. Do we do it?

That was the dilemma on my hands. Then I remembered my earlier study on the Will of God. I especially loved this sermon by Ray Stedman on "Discovering the Will of God". In essence, it says when we allow ourselves to yield to God, our minds are transformed and we look at things differently.

The trick is, of course, allowing ourselves to yield to God. Someone once put it so very well:

"The will of God is like a silent soft breeze."

We live such loud lives that we unintentionally squash the voice of God! What I could offer the group, was an example of my own life (as if I did not grandstand enough *chuckle*). I made a certain choice that I knew would separate me from my wife by distance and keep me from the one thing I truly love doing for God, worship leading (although not very good at it :D ). I made it cos I would get a much bigger pay package! Ha!

But the interesting thing is, that even in the midst of my bad choices, God uses these failings of mine and made me more dependent on him. What a paradox, God drives me nuts at times!

When overseas, the distances between my wife and my church fellowship drove me into prayer to fill that aching loneliness when the lights go out at night.

Coming back to this paradox, is the fact that there is release in following the will of God. Odd as it may seem. I can't illustrate this any better than to go to Spider-man 2!

Spoiler Alert!!!

I'm gonna really summarize the movie. Peter Parker's personal life fell apart while he did deeds of derring-do. When he gave up said deeds to pursue what he personally wanted he found bliss and happiness. For awhile.

Then he became miserable. To put it lamely, he felt he wasn't true to himself and he felt guilt-ridden by turning away from all that crime. Of course his motivation to become Spider-man again was because of the kidnap of a certain girl.

Then he realized, "Sometimes, in order to do the right thing, you have to gave up your dreams." And paradoxically (my fav word for the day *wink*), he got the girl and he found freedom from he's self-doubt when he realized that his deeds of derring-do gave hope to the entire city.

Submission to God's will, minus the web-slinging and Kirsten Dunst, is essentially like what Peter Parker went through no? I've experienced the release in submitting to God's will. But my own will continues to intrude and so the struggle continues...

Guess what? I concluded in that bible study that the simple thing to do to seek the will of God is pray. One hour later I'm in the cinema watching Spider-man 2. Sometimes God decides to tap you on the head...just so you remember :D

About Me...

2004-07-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

For starters, let’s start with how I got my name, Donald. You see, when I was born Donald Duck was hitting it big in Sabah and so, as any parent who wanted to give their son a distinctive name, they sure did grab it.

It was to be no source of comfort as I grew up though *LOL*.

Anyways, I did consider whether or not to remain anonymous on the net. Barring my better judgment, I decided not too. If you’re interested, this was how my initial draft http://af.blogs.com/donald/2004/07/previous_draft_.html" About Me looks like.

I decided, I could not share my life with my wife and want to remain anonymous as well on this blog. Ha!

Anything more about yourself?

I’m a Christian in that I try to walk the straight and narrow path. Constantly failing, constantly reaching, constantly finding grace in God the father, God the Son and God the Holy spirit.
I am pushing the big three-oh. I was born in Sabah and am classified as a Sino-Kadazan. Meaning I’m part Chinese and part Kadazan. However, I speak no Chinese at all and know of only a smattering of Hokkien and Cantonese words and sentences (much to the consternation of my wife :D ). I do have extensive knowledge of swear words in both dialects though. Ha!

I can’t even converse really well in my native tongue, Kadazan, owing to the fact that I spent much of my angst ridden adolescent life at boarding school and here in West Malaysia. This leads to lots of shoulder slaps and pinching from my horrified aunts. Speaking anything other than Kadazan in their presence is tantamount to sacrilege!

In light of all this, I thoroughly blame my parents for their slipshod instruction in my linguistic studies, not! Seriously…I love them a whole bunch. This “mistake” on their part resulted in me thinking, writing and speaking in English. I also speak Malay fluently. But it ain’t the kind spoken here in West Malaysia :)

They’re correcting their mistakes on my youngest brother right now. Little brat can talk Mandarin daggers behind me and my second brother’s back and we wouldn’t have a flying clue as to what he’s saying. Did I mention that I had two other brothers? Ah…my bad.

I’m the eldest in a family of three boys and my parents. That means I’ve got one brother who’s exactly one year and twenty days younger (who’s happily married) than me and another one who’s fourteens years younger than me. As my father succinctly put it, “spark plug misfire”. Gosh! Three boys….poor mum.

My parents are still back in Sabah. My father’s retired but he’s not retired normally. At a time when others would spend life lounging by a beach sipping pina coladas, enjoying the fruits of a life well-lived, this guy has to kick his into overdrive. I don’t think he’s worked as hard prior to “retirement” as he is right now. First thing he did on retiring was open up an auto-shop and hauled my long-suffering mother to be the shop manager.

Did I also mention that I’m married? Suffering, happily, in silence (if there ever was an oxymoron of a sentence it would be this :) ) for the last 2 years with my beautiful partner.
As you may have surmised, I do tend to ramble *grin*.

What are your interests?

I absolutely love reading and writing. Sadly these are two luxuries that I indulge only so often due to my busy schedule. Used to be that I wanted to be a writer till I landed in my pragmatically chosen vocation. The most that I write nowadays are business proposals, minutes, spreadsheets (is that writing?!)

So I guess this blog is an effort to rekindle that love once again :)

Other interests include multi-player gaming (another infrequent indulgence), Star Trek, anime, movies!, fantasy books, history (military, biblical & global), leading bible studies, teaching Sunday school.

Why write a blog?

Why not write a blog? Don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical question. At the base level, I needed a place to offload my incoherent, rambling, and otherwise misplaced, thoughts and to provide a sort of diary so that I might continue to share my daily life with my wife (I travel overseas for extended periods). On another level, I hope to be able to collect bits and pieces of my life in a single place in the hopes that my daily, and oft troubled, walk with Christ might connect with a life somewhere in this jungle of ones and zeroes.

I hope, too, to build a chronicle of my choices that determine my constant balancing act between my work life and my life with Christ, hence the title of the blog.

In conclusion…

Sometimes it seems just a tad bit ironic that my personal self is messy and non-structured (so says my wife *grin*) whilst my job is all about structure, performance tracking and well-planned schedules.

Neither can it be said that I am the perfect Christian (is there such a thing?). There is a clear and unintentional divide between my secular half and my Christian half. But grace is sufficient and Jesus is sufficient. These are the continuing journeys of the…