There's a Sword a'Hangin over Me Head

I have been trying to continue my readings and also my blogging but it has been an energy draining last couple of weeks. My travelling suddenly went on the uptrend because of problems with the project, which looks set to doom current the end-date to a new and later one.

Plus, there's all the worries and frustrations involved in getting our new apartment ready for human habitation while at the same time trying to pack up all our accumalated stuff at the current soon-to-be vacant rented apartment.

What I'm most frustrated is that I'm not around nor available for 95% of the time to help my wife with the renovations and arrangements for our new place. As a result we've had quite a few blow-ups. It was nothing serious but it does leave me walking away, to board yet another plane, with a heavy load in my heart. She's been great about it and remains very supportive of my job but I know that there's a Sword of Damocles hanging righ up there with its tip squarely on our marriage. I know that this job will be a major problem for us when we decide to have children.

Being an absent husband and father is something that I cannot comprehend. I've seen too many children and also people who've been adversely affected by the absent parent. I cannot imagine how other couples can go on being separated from each other for months at a time, chidlren seeing only one or the other parent because their return times are different. This takes the latch-key children syndrome to the utter extreme.

Sadly, this is a "thriving" condition in the industry I work in. I've been the giving end and receiving end of advice that your job is not worth the cost to your life and relationships with your spouse, family, friends and, most importantly, God.

Ah...The pursuit of Mammon. It was such a delicious irony that the topic of the pursuit of Mammon was brought in bible study just last week and then again last Sunday in the reading and portions of the sermon. Read 1 Timothy Chapter 6 in its entirety. I can feel hypocrisy dripping down the back of my throat. Divine nudge and wink-wink?

I wonder...

Suddenly I'm looking across at it from the other side of the line, that crudely established line that we Christians all too often draw in our heads to establish a mental boundary to separate us from the "unsaved" and the "unreached". I found myself having to confront my own convictions between job and the established Christian reasons for not pursuing money. Wanna know my impression hearing the same message boomeranging back to me?

Cliched and politically correct, church wise of course, are two that jumped up. Hoighty-toighty (self-righteous) is another one.

Now I find myself conflicted and strangely uncertain when it comes to money. My rationale mind says that my job should not be at the expense what's really important, namely, my wife, family, and service and faith to God (you can tell how my belief system structures my rationale mind :) ). My pragmatic mind tells me that me and my wife need this money that this job provides therefore we must try and find a balance and be more open about the sacrifices that need to be made right now so we understand each other clearly to deal with problems that will crop up.

My on-the-other-side-of-the-line mind flips. How do you know that we don't need the money? Do you think we like the long hours that we put in? Do you think we don't know what it costs us to work for this money? Do you know why we still do it? It's easy for you to say that without seeing what we have to put up with!

My parents came up the hard way. My mother was born into poverty. My father was had it slightly better but still it was no cake walk for him growing up. They had very little money and food growing up and this has stayed with them all through their lives. Imagine living on U.N. sponsored food programs. Even today, that saving habit to squeeze all possible utility from everything is evident if you spend time with them. They can be generous to a fault if it is for other people, but they can be very frugal when it comes to themselves. It's a throwback to a time when people helped each other when possbile and scrounged for oneself at all costs.

They made pretty sure that the value of money was drummed into me. You could say that I too was a latch-key kid, much like most of us Malaysians today. I would only see my parents at the end of the day. I would resent that but yet at the same time I could understand that, even though I would raise pretty hell *grin* They did what they did because of the nightmares that they sometimes still endure growing up and they most certainly wanted a better life for me and my brothers.

Will I turn into a an absent husband and father? Will my children go through the same resentment magnified a few factors for today's conditions? Will I turn my children into extreme cases of latch key kids and lose touch with them so much that I turn into the adult persona I lambast today and not even realize it?

Do I have a conclusion for myself here? No. Am I gonna lose sleep over this? I suspect so as I've been wired like-so because of my parents and my belief systems' warning bells go off. How does this square with the what Paul wrote to Timothy? To tell you the truth, I don't have an answer for that too. Am I frustrated? Yes I am. Is this going to continue? Yes it is. At least for awhile.
But I think the key in 1 Timothy 6 is something else altogther rather than the characteristic harping on the pursuit of money as most would have made it out to be. Contentment...am I contented? No I'm not.

Hahahhahaha....ok...this is weird. I'm laughing to myself on a blog :) Oddly, I don't feel like I have to beat myself up over this. Yes, I'm conflicted and yes I have no answers, no conclusions and no way out right now from my current condition. I'm worried, I feel guilty and I'm anxious over the state of my finances and job. Is this condition going to last? I pray not but I don't know.
But there's always hope no? I hope that with God's grace, I will be able to take that leap of faith to trust in God. That I will be strong to decide for our chidlren and be there for them. That I will come off my pedestal and understand the why of it before I make ready to dump advise on money and time on other people. That I do it with love.

My apologies for being melancholic. Gotta snap outta it :D